every beat of my heart

Saturday, March 31, 2007

knock me hard in my head please.
why'd you have to do this to me?
please juz knock some sense into me. but the thing iz that friendship iz meant to be treasured to be open and juz talk right? makes sense! so i'm always happy to see an opportunity of a conversation to know how life has been treating you and all.. but it always turns out that that barrier keeps the distance apart. all i wan iz to regain this friendship that we shared, but you aren't letting me.
it feels cold and very cold.
nvm.. i guess these are juz the ups and downs and the regrets of life. that's life for me. if i were to turn back time i wouldn't have done the same thing and live in regret now. i would have simply learnt to force myself to walk away with self confidence and determination. but i guess noone can ever turn back the clock.

quoted from someone's friendster profile

"rather than learning how to be tolerant of difficult feelings,
many of us have learnt only to avoid them.
our inclination is often to run from our emotions
because they carry wuth the threat of destruction.
indulging ourselves in thinking as a protective alternative
we try to avoid our fear by staying aloof of our feelings."

it's surprising anyone can come up with this theory. but very true isn't it. very true.

*throbs @12:39
0 <3

summary. house movie event.

okay. summary!! like TGIF again!! wheeeeeeeeee
27mar, tuesday.
i ran 8km (: hee! okay la.. not really run.. it's slow jog. 20rounds round the track in 48.31min. kinda slow.. but yeah.. it was not bad (: and i loved the last dash i did. somehow this iz like FINALLY understanding the form mr teo had once told me like sooooo long ago. when the legs are moving but the body iz stationary in that position.. and i seems like you're flying. yeah i felt that. my body was so tired and rigid that it was stuck in that posture. and my legs juz willed the last dash of the run. loved it very much (:

but jinxy says it's still not fast enough ): i have doubts i'm gonna be fit enough to make it for that duathalon in may la please.. 15k eh =/

oh well.. den went for trng and i died. i couldn't do anything. bear walking at snail pace cuz of the rawness.

28mar, wednesday.
had house general meeting today. i realised smth. when i'm nervous i always tend to say the wrong things. juz the way i called wilson lihao o.O sorry!! haha.. i juz suddenly rememebered the time when 14th hc had meeting with 13th hc to choose our posts. and i mixed up sports cap and vice cap without even knowing it until i ended up finished saying that i didn't wan sports and wanted vice. how nice. exact opposite from my original start. but at least they know wad i wanted. haha :D blur. and i admit!! i suck at crowd management. haha.

29mar, thursday.
somehow this day juz felt like an on-form day.
rained in the afternoon juz when we ended lessons. so stuck in school. i tried to do math but gave up. read my book (: paul coelho iz a very straightforward author. so unlike norah roberts. haha. nvm. so trng. ran 3rounds for warm up with nicholas LAU and yewboon. and today i realised that my new junior iz in fact the brother of my hc senior. how fascinating. haha. ben lau nick lau. cOOl. and to tink i didn't notice the resemblence. haha. but nvm..

as i was saying.. on form day. i juz felt so light. threw medicine balls and was okay. den i did bear walk and i felt like i was flying on the runup. i'm shocked at being able to do a 1.52 for 4laps comparative to the erm dying 4laps on tues. x)

30mar, friday. today.
physio was like urgh. i didn't feel like i perspired alot, or rather, enough today. circuit agility only do 2sets. so i did a 4 and 6 continuous walking lunges to compensate. rushed back to school after physio for the alpha house movie function. watch bruce almighty. okay. turn out was OKAY(?) during the movie. after it ended you could see the many picking up their stuffs and *poof* outta the door they go. great. den slack out a while i came back to hear the lame joke sessions. haha. it was seriously lame. after a while when the jokes ran out. out came all the racist jokes. like LOL! :D it was juz a small grp being part of the whole thing. but it was hmmm. i guess it was still alright. den started the next movie kungfu hustle. stopped half way. time to pack and go. just when some people juz entered the lt sat down and had yet to warm their seats. pity they came late. pity we had to end early. oh well!! had short debrief at parade ground. den dinner opp. home. tired.

oh and did i say? i tink i strained my arm again o.O i wonder what izzit did i do that incurred this pain. ):

BEDTIME.
i wish the weekend will never pass me by. time shall stop on friday nights. cuz it's 2days of "break" before the whole torture routine begins again. great. lotsa tests next week. sighhhhh.

i seriously dunno what's wrong with me. at that sight i immediately changed my appear offline to online. but i still had to take that first step. i dunno why my reaction but it happened ): i turned to trying to provoke and it only brought me disappointment yet again. bleh. lousy feeling that i dun wanna relive. knock it off of me please. thanks. and very much appreciated. but at least you didn't choose to outright ignore. although you left in a huff. but i guess that's fine for now. it's fine for now.

*throbs @01:50
0 <3

Saturday, March 24, 2007

James Morrison
"The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore"
Album: "Undiscovered" (2006)

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises
I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

anyone has this song?? send it please (:
we're like pieces of 2different puzzle. misfit mismathced. together we make not a masterpiece but it's juz pieces that dun fit anymore. the pieces dun fit anymore.

*throbs @14:46
0 <3

summary + TI + emo.

well well..
the first week of school has finally ended after letting time crawl by for such a long time. izzit juz me of izzit true that these few months has been literally moving pass at tortoise pace? sheesh. i guess it's more of the former.

the week has been pretty boring and unexciting that's for sure. i'm desperate for something, anything to help spice up my life. but i guess it's not mine to have. so yeah. live with it. boring life or not ):

summary time.
for the whole week i haven been able to concentrate and focuz on any work that i try to do. gave up for the rest of it. i guess i guess.. it's not physically drained. it's juz mentally drained.
23mar, friday.
had physio. disappointing time for me. i was suppose to run a 10k. but i couldn't push myself on. wheezing when it was 4.8. stopped at 5. it really iz a disppointment. huge one. especially when after running i knew if i had the chance i could complete that 10k. did agility, was okay. continued with continuous 6laps lunges and side squats as punishment for myself. went back to school to help out with the wrapping. den crashed temasek idol with the help of jon (:

okay temasek idol. it was hmmm.. okay la. satisfactory? well at least arthi with the oh-so-powerful voice won. yay. and quaver clinched the champs for group. at least compared to kita they were better la. but other than that i think that was it. lolx. a senior came back to perform think her name was tiffany from 23/05. cant rem. but oh my gosh. i wish i had vocals like her la. her voice was controlled, powerful and speechlessly seductive x) she alone would have won temasek idol hands down. oh well!!

what more can i say? emo in mid-day? whatever. life still goes on. today's saturday. and juz leave me alone. happily live in self destruction iz the best way to throw it all away.

*throbs @14:26
0 <3

Sunday, March 18, 2007

holidays has ended. BOO

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

the end of the holidays are here. they've unfortunately caught up with me inspite of my dreading it to come. unfortunately. well, the holidays ain't very well spent. i'd say it has been a really pathetic week and i couldn't have said it better myself. good to the people who spent it happily, you guys are the fortunate ones so treasure it.

so yeah. to make it short....
mon, wed, fri
morning training, afternoon study, dinner slack.
tues, thurs
sleep in, study, dinner slack.
sat, sun
couldn't focus anymore.

some special events...
wait, i tink it's only one.
16mar, fri.
i baked cheesecake no.2!!!!!!!!!! (: okay, it's not bad la okay.. but somehow it tastes sour. haha.. i suspect it's the sour cream layer.. but honestly it wasn't tasting like this for cheesecake no.1 ): so it was kinda disappointing.. arghhhh.. nvm.. i wonder wad will my food taster say bout it tmr =) hope it bodes well!

18mar, sun. today.
yeye's home!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYNESS (: he looked really sad, and when he first came home he sat in his fav chair silently looking all satisfied (: loves. sometimes i juz feel so helpless at wad to do.. wish i could make him something he likes to eat. but i dunno wad can his diet take now!! so yeah ): i wish there's more that i can do. i wish.

well school's reopening and i dread it the way i dread being discharged from physio. but it has to happen. wish all luck for first day of school!

*throbs @22:31
0 <3

Monday, March 12, 2007

first day of holiday.

today iz the first weekday of my holiday...

started with a 2.4km run that got me really wet and sweaty and sticky. den i went chem remedial den went back for trng. and therefore. training today was seriously slack like nobody's business cuz i practically didn't do anything but maybe throw a few medicine balls with jud. bleh.

studied a while doing vectors in the lib til 2. den headed down to meet jud at bedok swimming complex (: suntan session!!! but unfortuantely the stupid sun wasn't very strong todayyy.. saddd. oh well nonetheless thanks jud for going for this last mintue swim with me!! x)

headed home. went to visit my beloved yeye.. get well soon k!! i doubt he'll ever read this but yeah.. i really miss you around at home..!! ):

and after dinner i baked (: brownie!!!! haha.. with my maid who seem as if she's another sister of mine. it really iz fun to mess up the kitchen with her. well one thing iz she always helps me clear the mess and the other iz it's juz so natural to be around doing things with her. the house was filled with laughter as we laughed at each other's stupidity and carelessness (: end result of the brownies was good (: loves. hope yeye will be able to eat so i can bring some for him tmr!! x)

*throbs @23:10
0 <3

Sunday, March 11, 2007

weekly summary!

happy march holidays.
i cant believe it.. holidays have finally arrived.. and now i wish it'll NEVER go away..!!! but den again it comes with the reality that one term has already ended.. so it's freaking time to freak out. juz freak out.

okay. weekly summary.
5mar, monday.
happy birthday edmund.
half day (: but din do much. juz went for physio earlier at 2+ ended earlier and go home earlier. den i dunno was i did le. i tink i was studying for phy.

6mar, tuesday.
happy birthday papa.
happy birthday wenhao.
happy birthday chengjun.
(even though you dun rem who i am =C)
yeah. yet another birthday day but i was juz so stoned. physics test was pretty alright and i really hope i can do well. i realised it's the explanation questions that i cant do. ask me to follow formula that's juz all i can do. crappy. intended to go polyclinc for a referal letter.. but decided against it.. so i was suppose to be studying and doing my vectors.. in the end i slacked out with jazreel. it was the first time i indulged myself in food (: i guess it's pretty much relaxing to hangout with jaz. but i cant help but feel disappointed in my lack of self discipline.

7mar, wednesday.
happy birthday zhiyong.
CG lunch with mr low. civic had become double period lunch for us. yay (: went to kfc. and i got a super big zinger student meal. i tink the standards of kfc ain't constant. tsktsk.. but at least i got a big burger in return of the $4 invested in oil. bleh. but other than that i guess it was a pretty fun time i had hanging out with the class.. we should really do more of this. haha (: listening to everyone else talk crap and make fun of each other juz brings hearty smiles back onto my face. thanks guys. CG05/06.

8mar, thursday.
happy birthday david.

9mar, friday.
i so wanted to skip school. i whined at my dad and my mum and literally refused to get outta bed. in the end my mum still had me dragged to school. and i so felt like crying. ): i hate school. the effect was taken out on poor serene.. sorry serene!!! i didn't mean to throw my little princessy temper at you. i didn't mean to be hostile and make you upset ): sorry!!!! sighhhhhh.. freaking econs test killed me since i didn't read a single thing.. i couldn't even rem wad was considered as govt. spending. geex. i'm failing terribly even though mr chan said it was easy cuz juz vomit out everything. i seriously had nothing to vomit out. ):< grr. the rest of the day juz wheezed past.

10mar, saturday. today.
spent the whole day outta house. had breakfast out with my mum. headed down to suntec and got my oh so awaited bathing suit. and now i can officially go suntanning (: den went down to parkway for neck and back massage. my mum did the foot relexlogy. so yeah. had nice light lunch but turned out heavy at the cafebar. seriously yummy mushroon soup (: abit ex though. den shopped at the row of shops there. got a top at clubmarc since there were having 50% storewise sale (i feel so budget auntie but i dun deny it) and some snacks at marks and spencers.. den the rest was juz window shop for me. bleh. headed down to expo for the modern living exhibit. geex. there's this bedroom set that i so love la (: and it costs like hmmm $1688? it's freaky stylish and i simply love it. with the little shelves that i can put my stuff in (:!!!!! den went for service. pastor sy speaks straight to my heart. came out of it with one regret. and with many tears of pain that streamed like a river out of my system. i hope i'm feeling better. nvm. den went to pp to attempt my math vectors. i tink i'm dumb. seriously. i suck big time. i cant sovle any question!! ): and it's upsetting. really. i'm confused on the theory behind it all. i'm uncertain of wad methods to use to find wad. i'm unsure of everything!!! ): i need help. shall get some from my uncle tmr. otherwise mr ng!! i hope you'll be in school on monday!!! ):

*throbs @00:45
0 <3

Friday, March 09, 2007

congrats shu (:

congrats shu (:
it's one thing to be pass this barrier.. it's another to continue using the same attitude that you had when you did everything to your maximum ability to stay.. i guess that's the thing that i really admire you for.. and when i say really, i mean really. you shall really be my inspiration and my role model. loves!! (: so happy for her. at least there are still people who believe in confidence.

that's all for today.

*throbs @19:35
0 <3

Thursday, March 08, 2007

life sucks. ):

so many things to tink..
so many thoughts that bother..
how bad can life get huh.. i wonder if it'll still continue going downhill.. something in me tells me yeah.. it'll continue spiralling until the end of the freaking year ):

tink about it. things that go on now, will it still matter one year from now? in a sense yeah, and Alevels iz not juz one year from now.. it's my lifetime.. juz the way my Olevels results will bug me forever.

and i've really been thinking.. izzit really true that to be me iz to be hyper and crazy and everything happy? i wish it isn't.. cuz if it is i guess i've been possessed of late. i hate life.

and i hate the system the school works on. izzit really that hard for you to accept and give a little breathing space for those of lower standards? we're freaking trying our best.. so why cant you juz accept it instead of wanting to beautify your image at the price of your morality. heartless.

back again to the loner life that i love. the one that dwells in being pathetic and dwells in being alone yet with deep longings. i guess that really iz life for you. for me. well maybe not for everyone else.

*throbs @21:20
0 <3

Sunday, March 04, 2007

weekly summary - arvin's surprise.

feel like i owe this. weekly summary.

28 feb, wednesday.
did 2.4km run in school.. clocked a 10.46mins. not good enough ): jinxy!! if you're reading this, we can start our training when april begins!!! i seriously want to get back to me PB.. back to my best form. guess it's time to start to get serious with land pe. but i guess it still iz pretty much a high mental barrier that i've formed that i NEED to overcome. thank goodness it was feeling on top of the weather that day. and i was surprised that it didn't give me any trouble during the run (:

1 mar, thursday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARVIN TANG!! (:
yay!! haha (: the froggy's 19 already!! x) thanks for being my fav senior. arvin tang iz one of a kind. uniquely froggy :D

2 mar, friday.
happy birthday marianne!
and this day was Alevel results day of release. i took back freaking chinese. no more comments on it besides getting a decent grade. back to Alevels results. okay.. it freaking iz not me that's taking back results.. i tink i'm juz nuts to feel the stress and pressure that was building up in the hall.. to tink that next year it'll be me. ME. will i be like yanliang up on stage? or will i be those scattered on the floor area sobbing those hard tears outta my eyes.. arghhhh.. i hate to think.. but it's juz that i need to REALLY get started.. and i really tink it's time to move outta my house. i need to get out and bury my head in my tutorials(note it's tutorials not notes). sigh. somehow i juz feel that there's more to life than all these. but i've got simply no way of proving so or doing so. that's juz life for me. sometimes i really juz wish that there was a special someone in my life. guess the weather felt the same way as i did. gloomy and rainy. whatever it iz, it's accumulative. came home after physio. slept at 8 til the next day.

3 mar, saturday.
studied at PP after service.. and i completed tutorial 34 at last. kinda slow progress.. sigh.. it's either i'm having my concepts all wrong or it's simply stating i'm not very bright. i freaking cant solve my questions. i freaking cant get it right ): now i really know why i didn't even bother to take the vectors test. i'm going for the latter.

4mar, sunday. today.
clarified my doubts on the freaking tutorials with my uncle today. and we took a whole 2hours on juz questions that i have doubt for 2tutorials.. that's how much i dunno.. it juz seems like argh when to him it's solvable but when i was doing it i had racked my brains and yet cant find a solution.. equation of vectors on a plane, perpendicular to plane, xyz values, reflection of a point, blahblahblah.. argh.. my little puny brain.

den after that i dropped by at arvin's surprise birthday party (: can i say he was surprised when he saw me? haha.. anyway.. whatever it iz, i really dropped by for a while only.. and he showed me that FREAKING CUTE FROGGY SHOWERHEAD he bought!!!! x) gosh.. it really iz cute. somehow i have this feeling that his future house will be full of little froggies everywhere :D and i saw that froggy plushie serene and i got for him on top of smth in his room!!! x) hee!! okay.. it was great seeing him despite the lousy weather that entitled me to use my unbrella.. so yeah.. chatted with the star of the day for a while and got to know how to surprise was carried out.. and not to my surprise there was water bombs. waha! so after he decided to head back into part of the "gambling den" i decided it was time to take my leave since i didn't know anyone there.. so yeahh.. and one of arvin's colleagues(what's his name again?) actually drove me out to the busstop. which turned out to be further cuz i showed him the way to CTE. haha! bused home.

had the special feast that my grandma prepared. and i had half a cup of 12% alcohol by vol champagne. wasn't that nice but still nice. i still prefer red wine. guess that's all for the day.. my book "dating game" iz getting more interesting by the day. i miss nicholas sparks.

*throbs @23:55
0 <3

juz a few blessings.

"Nothing is going to spoil this moment.. Imagine making that decision: nothing's going to spoil this moment. Now, imagine making that decision about a relationship, job, day in the week, or whatever. Imagine applying that idea uniformly in your life."
--Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God.

It is such a simple thing.. This choosing to embrace the unspoiled in every aspect of our lives. So simple, yet so profound.

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"It is one of the beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson,American philosopher

Have you ever noticed that the very best way to lift yourself up is by offering a hand up to someone else? What a wonderful paradox that through giving we receive what it is we really, truly need.

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"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkeybars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."
~ Anonymous

There are things that we never want to let go of, people and experiences to which we want to keep holding tight, but sometimes we have to let go before we can see if we have anything worth holding on to. Letting go gives us a new perspective. It allows us to see the beginning of a new and betterlife.

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no much inspiration tonight.. so i guess here's juz it. some of the emails that kept my mind thinking and explicitly being my brain (: somehow i always wonder why these emails always come at the right time with the right message.. guess it could juz be all part of God's plan. guess it's juz these little things that really keep me going and convincing myself that yes, i can make it.

*throbs @23:50
0 <3